The REAL major is at it again. He does this every election, and his rants are always amusing (see them here), so below is the latest gab-fest between John-Wayne Witt (in the BLUE corner) and Major B.A. MacLaren (in the RED corner). It all starts with John-Wayne sending a pair of innocent enough links to BA. Enjoy!
JWW:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/11/16/drinking_terror/
http://www.schneier.com/crypto-gram-0711.html#1
BAM:
Before the year is out Witt, I will be reporting YOU.
I will be reporting YOU to MYSELF.
I will investigate YOU and advise MYSELF that YOU have something to hide.
I will beat the truth out of YOU.
YOU will be taken outside and shot by ME.
JWW:
Take YOUR medication, before the NURSE has to forcibly sedate you again…
BAM:
I hope to medicate you with something mighty Witt. You will beg and you will scream for mercy and you will be awed by it’s power.
JWW:
I’m glad to see you are finally using my preferred moniker “Mighty Witt”, but you seem to have left out a comma. And I’ve told you before, leave your shrivelled antediluvian genitalia in your pants. No one is interested in it.
BAM:
YOU FILTHY PERVERT. I can call on The Redeemer at any time to turn your foul tongue to sponge.
JWW:
Sure, set your invisible attack monster on me. I’m not afraid. And how would spongifying my tongue stop me from typing? You really are pathetic.
BAM:
The joke is on YOU Witt you short-sighted buffoon. I have all eternity to watch your torment from afar. No fingers AND no tongue if I so will it. No heroin to take away your agonies. I am looking forward to seeing you suffer prawn.
JWW:
That’s the sort of “man” you are isn’t it Private. You enjoy watching others suffer. There’s a name for that you know: Sadism. The word derives from your hero the Marquis de Sade, and you grow more like him with each passing minute.
Thankfully you are now too weak to ever deliver on the feeblest of your threats, so I am not worried. Consider the lilies….
BAM:
I will only be considering one thing you grape and that is your tombstone. Your suffering will be long if I have any say in it. I will give and I will take and I will give and I will take and I will damn well take. Don’t flatter yourself Vitt(sic). I would have done the same for De Saad(sic), if given the chance.
JWW:
You want to give it to de Sade? You are perverted beyond anything I could have imagined. Perhaps there is a spot for you in “Pervert of the Week”. Perhaps you could also consider using grammar in future rants. Honestly, commas don’t bite! Besides Jesus & I agree: YOU ARE WRONG
Blessed are the merciful,
For they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
For they shall be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake.
Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
BAM:
YOU have put yourself beyond all redemption Vitt. You inhabit a wasteland where nothing decent would want to live. All tenets of wholesomeness and mercy and forgiveness are suspended. Read your bible Witt (and the CORRECT version at that) and see that The Lord authorises termination with extreme prejudice against the top-shelf sinner. There is nowhere to hide you bile. You can try misquoting God and taking The Saviour out of context, but you are only making things worse for yourself.
Come Saturday, you will once again become familiar with that feeling of everlasting despair. Your Commie mates are being flushed down the bilge of history and your smirking cadaver will no doubt require The Lord’s plunger to despatch such a putrid mass of fat in it’s wake.
Major B.A MacLaren – 9th Division (Retired)
JWW:
I asked Jesus, and he says you should take a chill pill dude. He also told me that not one person on Earth is beyond redemption, and that he gives out “get into heaven free” passes to ALL sinners who ask for them. I grabbed a small bundle of them just in case, but I’m not giving you one – you will have to ask Jesus yourself.
Jesus wanted to know where in His book you saw the expression “terminate with extreme prejudice”. He says he’s going to remove that from the next re-print. He can do it too.
See you in heaven, oh except YOU won’t be there. See you FROM heaven.
BAM:
Your mockery of the word of The Lord is duly noted for future and dedicated punishment you pansy. You are yours only worship what comes out of The Necronomicon or The Koran or The Tibetan Book of the Dead. You won’t find those “sacred” texts anywhere but in the the toilet in paradise. The chances of Jesus ever engaging you in conversation are not likely. Perhaps: “Depart from me ye Cursed”?
(At this point JWW decided to ignore the Major for a while, in the hope that he would shut up. Didn’t work! – ed)
BAM:
No response Witt my deluded sock of a boy?
It was to be expected. I am retiring for the evening to meet with colleagues at my club. You have taken up your accustomed position face down on the carpet.
If you feel to need to resume your spiteful diatribe after a big evening of reefer and anger at today’s defeat, then do.
The world is as it is.
Major B.A MacLaren – 9th Division (Retired)
BAM:
So it looks like Private Witt has failed to heed the call of reveille yet again?
An opium haze can last for days, so I have doubts about hearing from you again in the near future son. For whatever reason, you have gone to ground and avoided the tough questions from his inquisitor.
BAM:
Still fumbling for that first reefer cigarette to start the day Vitt? Take your time my boy. I’VE been up and about seen 0430 going about The Lord’s work. My regimen will be half done before you crawl to the surface.
Now Witt, a very great man has departed God’s green earth. He was a great hero in every way and only made one mistake in his lifetime: an error which I have forgiven as it was under dire circumstances. Unlike yourself, I have that capacity. I don’t blame my parents, teachers, government, doctor or bloody GURU for everything that’s gone wrong in my life and the larger world. The Marharishi isn’t here to HELP you Witt. He wants your rupee’s to buy comely young men for his sick ashram of perversion. It’s about time you realised that and stopped being a fool among fools.
Drink this up like it is your first brandy of the morning Witt. Take a deep draught of a manly man’s life and it just MIGHT do you some good:
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5gvJsbczhO_rTicOU5jSDR-eabZtAD8T1KH7G5
JWW:
Good Lord man, I have certainly whipped you up into a froth this morning. You’re like Satan’s own Cappuccino!
As for “tough questions” from my “inquisitor”, the only questions I can see in your last 4 mails are: “Perhaps: “Depart from me ye Cursed?”, “Still fumbling for that first reefer cigarette to start the day Vitt?”, “No response Witt my deluded sock of a boy?” and “So it looks like Private Witt has failed to heed the call of reveille yet again?” None of these are tough, so I’ll answer them for you now:
- Jesus & I have been looking through the book of life. Bad news BA, you’re not in there,
- I don’t smoke. Not even Reefer,
- No, I had better things to do than respond to the inane blather of a mentally incompetent baboon, and
- Reveille is for losers. The kind of brutal thugs that itch to kill other humans at any opportunity, even one as feeble as a “war” perpetrated by corrupt politicians to further their own self-interests.
Now that your morning regimen is complete, why don’t you go have a nice lie down somewhere shady, and wait for the nurse to bring you morning tea. If you were wondering why nobody ever visits you in the Shady Palms Retirement Home for the Criminally Insane, I would be happy to tell you: you, sir, are a miserable old curmudgeon, a joyless husk of a “man” who lost his ability to reason somewhere in the fog of history. You have all the compassion of a shark in a feeding frenzy. Please die.
BAM:
Well, Well, Well – our spiteful little man is awake and screaming at the sky in futility.
As always, your outrageous fictions bring amusement to me. Your insults are like a gentle breeze across my moustache Witt: negligible matter that affects me not. Funnily enough, your drug-addled descriptions of me sound very much like your own palsied self. Perhaps I have underestimated your self-awareness and your base animal ability to instinctively respond to what is innate to your hippie species? But really, it is just instinct. The cockroach feels threatened so it hides and cowers. Sometimes it bites but not with any real force. It’s all bluster and all a manly man has to do is stamp down on the vermin to put it out of it’s misery.
Only 3 more days Witt. Then you and your filthy red homosexual fascists can take refuge in deadly reefer for another 3 years. Your denials of all my proven accusations give me a great big joyful bell(sic) laugh. There won’t be free kaftans on every street corner THIS year. The Leader is seeing to it. Get a haircut you bedraggled ostrich and be a man for one act of your tawdry play.
Time for reefer madness I’d say. You are sounding more defeated with each infantile and impossibly shrill rant.
Major B.A MacLaren – 9th Division (Retired)
JWW:
Dear Major,
Since you enjoy gentle breezes on your moustache, I must remember to break wind next time you’re KISSING MY HAIRY ARSE!
But humour aside, the day you actually prove one of your inane accusations, I will happily march off to meet my maker. I’ll jump in a pine box and head for boot hill. You are a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Frankly, the fact that you underestimated me (and continue to do so) does not surprise me, I have blogged on this fact before. The fact you ADMIT it is, however, new.
And I hate to burst your bubble, but hippies (of which I am NOT one) are the same species as you. Admittedly, they are better specimens than you, but the same species nonetheless. It wouldn’t surprise me if someone in your own family was a hippy, your own flesh and blood.
The only way John Howard can win this election is if he’s managed to rig the electoral system. Are you trying to tell me in your usual garbled, ham-fisted fashion that you have inside information on an election rigging scheme? I would love to hear the details.
It must be nearly your nap time now, so go have a cup of tea, a Bex and a good lie down. Just remember that tea and Bex are both drugs too…
BAM:
As usual your crude personal insults wilt in the blast furnace of my theological mastery. One day you will take instruction from me man to man. On that day boy, your blood-red reefer eyes will be opened to true magnificence. When you see it you will marvel and praise The Lord.
Until then Witt, rest up and enjoy your dwindling supply of crack. When The Leader emerges fresh and ready for action on Sunday, your time will have come. As you are no doubt supine by now though, it will be late morning before you read this and bite your girlish lip in frustration at another futile day of existence in my glow.
Josiah has sent a telegram to say he has slain another high ranking enemy with his renowned head-shot. The cowardly Mohommadans(sic) are on the run Witt and another conflict will have been decisively decided in our favour, as if there could ever be any doubt. The beautiful sound of the Lee-Enfield is echoing all over the mountains of that soon to be joyous nation. I wish I was there to share the spoils of battle with the heroes.
Soon you will fry prawn, just like our Enemy of Enemies. We will STEW you and serve you up as evidence of the defeat of the dirty swine hippy/beatnik/Rastafarian/guru/moslamic(sic) alliance that dared to stand briefly before the majesty of our arms.
BAM:Once again the morning is half over and the bold Witt is speechless. Perhaps if one of the other squatters helps you remove the vomit from your throat then you can rise from all-fours? Then again, most Christian human beings would recognise that you really have never risen to walking on two feet in your entire flyspeck of an existence.
Wake up and smell the napalm Witt. Two more days and The Leader’s bell will toll for thee. Now I must get on with my regimen. I distribute How To Vote cards this morning and am instructing the public in a newfangled “shopping-mall” exactly how to go about it. I will NOT be tolerating any dissent. Anyone who follows ME in a rabbit costume had better enjoy passing buckshot for the rest of their sad life.
BAM:http://www.smh.com.au/news/people/former-skynyrd-drummer-jailed/2007/11/21/1195321827667.html
Another one down Witt! By God before the year is out YOU will be registered on that list pervert. So how will you cope with THIS news?
Get out of bed, get into a uniform and be a man! That’s the way out of your problem chum. I can make a man out of you any day of the week except Sunday.
BAM:
Whilst we are discussing failed heroes of yours Witt, it is 10 years since that dog Hutchence took his last breath. I’ll bet a decade with the Lord of Darkness has cooled his auto-erotic-axphysiation(sic) problem.
The Lord woke from THE DEAD on the 3rd day, you can’t even get out of bloody bed before early afternoon. You rot my socks pervert.
BAM:
I am truly pleased to have a meek & submissive Witt cowering at my shirtfront.
Think on THIS my much mellowed penitent:
http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/deadly-gypsy-hackers-jailed/2007/11/23/1195753276611.html
Also, I will be taking legal action against the filthy hippie plagiarists noted HERE:
http://www.bant-shirts.com/kills-fascists-t-shirt.htm
JWW:
“And yes, once or twice I’ve had to fight –
but when a fascist hits a poet, the poet’s doing something right!”
– Attila the Stockbroker, My Poetic Licence
BAM:
Let this be the last foolish thing you write to me John now that you are mine.
The nation will have grown a new leg by Sunday morning and luckily you have prostrated yourself before the Leader just in time.
A great victory over barbarians is the 2nd greatest feeling a manly man can have.
Major B.A MacLaren – 9th Division (Retired)
(Then came election night. This is where things got weird. Well, weirder than normal. The following messages were recieved via SMS text messages during the election results coverage- ed)
BAM:
THE LEADER WILL KHLL(sic) YOU STONE DEAD YOU FOUL HONOSEXUAL(sic) HIPY(sic) FuDKWITT(sic)
BAM:
Fug(sic) you WITt(sic) you evil comie(sic) prevert(sic)
BAM:
Bacl(sic) to Ceylon tonight yo inking(sic) nazi witt(sic). I will burn their fuckhg(sic) Lodge soonas(sic) I ARrive(sic) you PANSY its(sic) not the last you’ve head(sic) of Major BA Maclaren yo u(sic) abbo lover
Well, there you have it. For those of you who do not follow Australian politics, the Major’s “Leader” (John Howard a.k.a. George W. Bush’s yapping lap-dog) was resoundingly trounced in the election. A victory for reason over fear. Perhaps now the Major will shut the hell up.
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